The Light Behind the Fire
by Noa-Pearl
Summary: Ray & Abby are so much more than a couple that loves to fight and fuck. This story's just about them. Their feelings, their love, their everything.
1. Pink Cadillac

_Note: So, recently I got into Ray Donovan and I was so sad to see so little stories regarding this show on here! I somehow figured I'd start writing something as well, despite thinking this is quite a hard job as I think the dialogue in the show is quite fab, which I probably can't top. I love Ray & Abby though, so I decided to write this story about them, written around several Bruce Springsteen song. I love his voice and I love the roughness and stories in his songs, which I think sometimes perfectly suit Ray & Abby.  
Summary: Ray & Abby are so much more than a couple that loves to fight and fuck. This story's just about them. Their feelings, their love, their everything. Set near the end of season 1, no spoilers though.  
Rating: M_

* * *

 _"_ _The Light Behind the Fire"_

 **1\. Pink Cadillac**

 _ **Monday, 2nd of June**_

Ray Donovan. Ray _fucking_ Donovan. Abby knew 3 p.m on a Monday probably wasn't the most suitable time for multiple glasses of chardonnay but she really didn't give a fuck. Ray hadn't been home since that Saturday and Abby was quite sure he'd been fucking some other whore in his flat. God, it annoyed her. She sometimes questioned herself about why she was still with him. Because she loved him, obviously. Because they had so much history together, shared so many moments together. Well, they used to at least. These days, all they seemed to do was fight and fuck. Fight and fuck. Over and over and over again.

Abby was angry with him all the time. And when she was angry, she drank. And when she drank, she got horny and all she really thought about was Ray. Ray _fucking_ Donovan.

It was 8 p.m. when Abby heard the door slam. The kids were out, doing, well, Abby wasn't even sure what they were doing. God, she was drunk. Angry. She took another big gulp of her glass, noticing it was almost empty again. She looked at the two bottles that were standing in front of her; both were empty.

"Abs? Abby?" His rough voice echoed through the empty house. Abby didn't reply; he would find her on the couch eventually anyway. It seemed to take him minutes though, though Abby knew that was partially due to the alcohol; time always seemed to stand still when she'd been drinking and was waiting for her husband to come home.

"Abs? Hey, you're here…" Ray walked over to his wife as he noticed the empty bottles of chardonnay. He decided to ignore them and lend over the edge of the couch to reach for Abby's face. She ignored him though, keeping her face straight as she kept looking at the television.

Ray sighed. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" Abby snorted. "You know what's fucking wrong, Ray. Where have you been?"

"Abs… You know I've been working."

Ray was still hanging halfway over the couch, desperately seeking some contact with his wife.

"Yeah, you're always fucking working. In that fucking flat… Working."

Abby turned her head so she could face Ray, their faces only inches away from each other.

He could smell the alcohol from her lips, and he could see the fire in her eyes. She had every right to be angry with him. But man, she was so hot when she was angry with him. The way she looked, the way she cursed… "You're so pretty when you're angry."

"Yeah, there come the compliments. Fuck you Ray," she hissed in his face, "you're always doing whatever the fuck you want."

"If I'd be doing what I want you wouldn't be talking right now." His dark eyes were staring right through her soul. Abby loved and hated it at the same time. She loved it because those eyes turned her on instantly. She hated it because it made her forget all the lousy shit that made her angry with Ray.

"Fuck.." Abby cursed before letting her lips crash on his. Nothings was sweet about their kiss; it was all fire and desire.

Ray managed to get himself on the couch as well, pressing Abby's body on the couch as he kissed her.

Abby's hands roamed over his body as she desperately tried to untuck his blouse. She needed to feel his skin, his body…

When they both needed some air Ray quickly unbuttoned his blouse, throwing it on the ground before moving to Abby's. He ripped open her blouse, not caring about the buttons flying around all through the room.

"Ray! It's one of my favorites."

"I'll buy you a new one, shut up." He pressed his lips on hers again before lifting her up slightly. He looked at het face for a second, not giving in to his desire to just pick her up and throw her against a wall to take her right now.

"I love you, Abs."

Abby looked in his eyes. She knew Ray loved her. He did. But she did think he loved fucking her even more then he just loved her.

"You love to fuck me Ray, that's something different."

Ray stood up, not breaking any eye contact, as he did. He grabbed her hand and made her stand up as well. He pulled her closer to him before he whispered: "I love to fuck you indeed. But I love you as well."

Abby didn't care right now. She honestly didn't give a damn about anything her husband was saying right now. Her arousal was building up and she needed some god damn relieve.

She attacked his lips without replying, pressing her body against his to feel his hardened member against her thigh.

Ray picked her up, carrying her through the room until she felt her back hit a wall. She didn't feel any pain though.

"God.. Fuck me, Ray."

 _You may think I'm foolish,  
_ _for the foolish things I do.  
_ _You may wonder how come I love you,  
_ _when you get on my nerves like you do.  
_ _Well, baby you know you bug me,  
_ _there ain't no secret 'bout that.  
_ _Well come on over here and hug me,  
_ _baby I'll spill the facts,  
_ _I love you for your pink Cadillac._


	2. Prove It All Night

**2\. Prove It All Night**

 ** _Friday, 6_** ** _th_** ** _of June_**

Abby went to bed early; she felt tired and for some reason nothing felt more appealing to do that night then getting some hard earned sleep. Her mind was driving her crazy. She often wondered when her relationship with Ray had gotten so complicated. Them fucking had always been a big part of their relationship. They'd driven each other wild since the moment they had met each other. Every little touch could light up a spark that made them want to jump each other immediately. Back in the day though they were so much more then just that. Every person could tell they were in love. The way they looked at each other, the way the touched each other… Where had they gone wrong?

Ray had been driving in his car for a while now. It was a little past midnight and he'd been torn between going home to Abby and the kids and going back to his apartment in town. He wasn't sure why that flat was so appealing these days. It had always been his place to hide, to sleep, whenever his job had gotten the best of him or whenever he'd been working until the middle of the night.

It had been his getaway lately though. He wasn't sure what he was running from. Except from the questions. Abby's questions. He knew she was right; he didn't let her in anymore. Ever since Mick had returned in their lives, Ray had felt as if Abby had somehow betrayed him.

Ray knew Abby was drifting away from him, and he knew he was only making it worse. Despite all the things he did, despite all the women he occasionally fucked, despite the words he didn't tell her… He loved her. Life without Abby would kill him.

* * *

He grabbed his phone, dialing Abby's number. He had to do something to show her he loved her.

"Abs.. It's me…. Oh… Can you meet me outside in 10? …. Don't be stupid. I'll be there in 10."

"Ray."

"Hey". She looked tired; she'd thrown on a sweater and a pair of jeans, and Ray could tell she really didn't even try to look her best. He couldn't really blame her though. He reached for her hand, which she accepted though not looking to excited.

"This better be good, Ray." Her thick accent seemed even thicker when she was tired and he chuckled lightly.

"Come on, you'll like it."

Their drive in his car was in silence. Multiple times, Ray wanted to apology. Tell her he wasn't sure what was gong on with him either, tell her the only thing he was now sure of was that he loved her and their kids… But he really just couldn't. So, silence it was.

Their drive to Malibu beach took them about 20 minutes, and Ray could feel Abby's eyes burning in his head when they got out of the car.

"Ray, seriously? You took me to freakin' Malibu in the middle of the night?" She looked at him with her hand on her hip, all sassy and annoyed. Ray loved her like this. He opened the back of his car without replying and grabbed a basket and blanket before walking to Abby.

"Come on." He grabbed her hand and led her to the beach.

"Ray, what the fuck…"

Ray walked until they were far away enough from the city lights and close enough to the sea. There was silence, peace… It was perfect.

He rolled out one of the blankets and motioned for Abby to sit, which she hesitantly did. He followed suit, opening the basket afterwards and grabbing a bottle of champagne.

"Abs… I eh… Surprise. I eh… I took you here to see the stars."

Abby looked at her husband. She could tell there were so many things he wanted to say. All of them which he just didn't seem to be able to say.

She smiled lightly. "It's sweet."

He nodded. "Yeah.. Abs, I love you."

She nodded. "I know." She scooted over to him a little closer, their bodies touching, as she caressed the hairs in the back of his neck. She rested her head on his shoulder as she stared into the black ocean for a while. That man… He was so darn difficult to read.

Ray stared into the darkness as well. He liked the ocean at night. Dark, unpredictable… Just like him.

"Ray.. Why did you bring me here?" Abby turned her head to face him and she could see his eyes glisten in the night. She could feel his hand searching for hers.

"You deserve the world, Abs. I want you to know you're still…. Perfect. My _fucking_ perfect Abby." He reached for her lips and pecked them lightly before holding her tight. "Come, lay with me."

Abby settled between his legs while reaching for the still unopened bottle of champagne. "And you even brought champagne.." She chuckled as she opened the bottle, a loud pop telling her she'd succeeded.

Her anger and uncertainty slowly drifted away as she enjoyed the warmth of her husband and the taste of the champagne. Fuck, she loved him. Even if she didn't want to.

 _I've been working real hard, trying to get my hands clean.  
_ _Tonight we'll drive that dusty road from Monroe to Angeline,  
_ _to buy you a gold ring and pretty dress of blue.  
_ _Baby just one kiss will get these things for you,  
_ _a kiss to seal our fate tonight,  
_ _a kiss to prove it all night._

 _Everybody's got a hunger, a hunger they can't resist.  
_ _There's so much that you want, you deserve much more than this.  
_ _But if dreams came true, oh, wouldn't that be nice,  
_ _but this ain't no dream we're living through tonight.  
_ _Girl, you want it, you take it, you pay the price._


	3. Hungry Heart

**3\. Hungry Heart**

 ** _Sunday, 8_** ** _th_** ** _of June_**

Her limb legs were wrapped around his waist as he thrusted deep inside of hear. He could hear her moans somewhere far away; he really didn't care that much. It wasn't that she wasn't beautiful. In fact, she was gorgeous. Pale skin, good tits… It was just a need though. His release was a need that needed to be fulfilled. She'd just happened to be at the right place in the righ time. It had nothing to do with love. Perhaps not even lust. Just release.

Ray could tell her loning eyes were begging him to stay. She wanted him to stay in bed with her, let her head rest on his chest and let him caress her hair. He really didn't care about that though.

He threw on his jeans and white shirt in mere seconds, socks, shoes and his jacket following quickly.

"Ray…" Her small voice called out for him, calling out his name only.

He turned, looking at her without replying.

"Ray," she tried again… "Stay for a while."

He didn't even bother to reply as he walked out the door, the scent of the sea hitting him immediately. She meant nothing to him, absolutely nothing. Ashley was just… Willing.

He smelled his jacket when he got into his car. Ashley's flowery perfume was clearly there, and he knew he had to get bye his appartment first to take a shower. Ditch his clothes, throw on something else… Something that smelled like him instead of her.

* * *

Abby heard the door slam close and knew it was Ray coming in. She recognized his steady footsteps. He was home early today, causing Abby to be slightly apprehensive; was there something wrong?

She continued cooking, figuring Ray would come see her whenever he wanted, and was surprised when she felt a pair of arms being wrapped around her from behind. "Hey beautiful."

His deep voice and body caused her to shiver; it completely turned her on. "Hey there. You're home early."

He nuzzled her hair as he murmered: "Yeah.. Should've been even earlier."

She put the knife she'd been holding down on the kitchen counter before turning around to face her husband and smiled. "You smell good…"

Ray looked into her icy blue eyes. He knew he'd been fucking Ashley two mere hours ago, but the sight of his wife almost made him forget. She was so fucking sexy. Besides, moments like these were tough to find these days; moments were neither one of them was angry with one another. Moments in which they just were at peace with each other; in love with each other.

He threw his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. "Are the kids home?"

"Conor's upstairs. Bridget's out with a friend…"

"Hmm."

He took a last glance at his wife's pretty pale face before he hungrily attacked her lips. He pressed her against the kitchen counter, his one hand feeling her ass while he the other made sure she stayed pressed against him. His lips moved to Abby's neck, kissing her close to what he knew was het favorite spot.

"Ray… Fuck…" Abby threw her head back in pleasure, loving her husband's lips on her neck.

He lifted her op in a swift motion, moving a bit to the left to make sure there was room before placing his wife on the counter and moving closer between her legs. He moved his lips down Abby's neck slowly, getting closer to her cleavage, gently licking the skin between her breasts.

"Ray… Hmm.. Conor can come down any moment."

Ray stopped for a second, his lips still close to her skin as he said: "Well, then he'll know what it looks like when a man wants to fuck his beautiful wife on the kitchen counter."

Abby's chuckle was smuttered by Ray's lips, kissing hers as he pressed himself against her.

Ray couldn't remember the last time he had his wife sleeping peacefully in his arms. He kissed the top of her head, smelling her vanilla shampoo before pulling her even closer to him. It felt so good. Her naked body pressed against his naked skin…

She was sound asleep, he could feel her steady heartbeat, He wished he could catch sleep as well. He couldn't, though. His mind was driving him nuts.

Why wasn't he ever satisfied? Why were there always other women? Women who never even came close to Abby. He knew it was pure desire. A pure desire to fuck. To simply screw any willing, beautiful woman 'cause it would take away his pain for a few short moments.

Ray knew it killed Abby. Abby could tell he'd been screwing around most of the time, as if she had some kind of sensor. Worst was that Ray knew it made her feel as if she wasn't good enough. As if he didn't love her enough. How could he ever explain to her that he was fucking those other women only because he loved her more then anything in the world? Alongside his kids, of course. He knew Abby liked it rough; so did he. But Ray knew the way he treated the women he'd meet in bars or clubs too violent. Those women seemed to love a man so filled with desire. Little did they know that desire had nothing to do with them.

Abby was the best thing that had ever happened to him. The love of his life. Ray wondered why it was always so darn difficult to show her though.

 _Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack ,  
_ _I went out for a ride and I never went back.  
_ _Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,  
_ _I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.  
_ _Everybody's got a hungry heart._

 _Everybody needs a place to rest,  
_ _everybody wants to have a home.  
_ _Don't make no difference what nobody says,  
_ _ain't nobody like to be alone._


	4. Brilliant Disguise

_Note: Okay, just a quick note to tell you readers this song is absolutely one of the best in the world. "Brilliant_ _Disguise" is just, I don't know, I think I would describe it as a super haunting song, I can listen to it over and over again. So, well, just search for it if you haven't heard it before. It's definitely in my top 3 Springsteen songs, which is like quite a big thing since I love so many of his songs! x_

 **4\. Brilliant Disguise**

He fucking did it. Again. And he knew she was aware of it. Waking up in another woman's bed was always a bad idea. It had happened way too often these years. But falling asleep in another woman's bed when there was an important appointment the morning after was quite a big fail. It hadn't happened often to him; not when it were appointments concerning the kids anyway.

Ray threw on his clothes in seconds while listening to his voicemail. Abby was pissed. Her accent got thicker and thicker and the amount of curse words was going up with each voicemail. He knew he reeked of the young woman in the bed but figured it was more important to get to the school in time then it was to change his shirt. Fuck, he screwed up.

* * *

When Ray raced into Bridget's school he was relieved to see her and Abby still standing in front of the door. Abby looked at him but didn't say a word as he approached them.

He kissed Bridget's head as he said: "Hey honey. I'm sorry I'm late."

Bridget looked up to her dad, a feign smile forming on her face. "It's okay." She looked back to her phone after that as Ray approached Abby, trying to give her a kiss.

"Hey Abs."

She let him kiss her, her eyes cold as ice as she whispered: "You stink."

* * *

Ray decided to go home that night despite knowing Abby was going to be pissed. Perhaps they needed to get into a fight again. It usually ended with them being horny as fuck anyway.

She wasn't in the living room though, something which surprised him since it wasn't even ten in the evening yet. He walked up the stairs, eventually finding Abby with a cigarette in their bed.

"Abs…"

"Don't." She kept staring into nowhere as Ray approached her, knowing she was upset. He sat down on the bed next to her, searching for her hand. The moment he touched hers she flinched. He didn't let go though.

"I'm sorry I was late this morning."

"Is that the only thing you're sorry for?"

"Abs…" He searched for her eyes but she was doing a very good job of not looking at him.

"You promised, Ray." Abby finally dared to look at him and continued. "You promised you'd stop fucking those girls and start focusing on us. Me. I'm not telling you to quit your job, to quit being you… I'm just asking you for dedication. Why can't you act like a fucking man and do what you're supposed to do?"

Ray sighed. His actions always spoke louder than his words. Then again, that wasn't exactly too hard since he really didn't say that much anyway.

"Abs… You know how much I love you. And the kids. You're the love of my life."

"For fuck's sake, Ray…. Do you know how hard that is to believe? You're constantly fucking other women, yet always claim you love me. You realize that doesn't make any sense right?"

Her eyes were on fire and Ray knew there wasn't really anything he could say. Yes, he loved her. Yes, he was screwing around. He wished he had a sensible explanation for it all, but he hadn't.

Ray sighed. He moved a bit closer to her as he said: "I don't know what to say, Abby… I'm trying."

Abby bit her lip, looking away from Ray again. She knew he tried. He always did. Somehow he never managed to succeed though. The pain it caused seemed to make little cuts in her heart. Each cut made it harder to heal.

"Abs…. Hey." Ray pulled her closer to him as Abby murmured: "Ray, don't… I'm angry with you… Ray."

He didn't let her go, pulling her even closer to him as he tried to cup her cheeks with his hands. "Ray…" He could tell she was trying to fight him, but knew she really didn't even want to.

"Abs, look at me." As much as it seemed a question, it really wasn't as he made her face him gently.

"I eh…." Fuck, he was bad with words. Extremely bad. "I'm sorry Abs. I… I have no excuse. I'm sorry… Hey…"

He kissed her, hoping she'd kiss him back and forget about their argument. The little effort Abby put in kissing him back though revealed she really wasn't going to do that though.

"Why do we keep doing this, Ray? It's not normal…"

Ray couldn't help but chuckle lightly. "Honey, we aren't normal."

"You know what I mean."

Ray looked in the eyes of his wife, knowing there wasn't any other woman in the whole freakin' world he would want to spend his life with. "I know…"

For minutes they sat the way they did, their bodies touching, their fingers entwined in each other's. Ray could tell Abby was getting tired when she started snuggling, moving even closer to Ray then she already had been. "Come on honey, let's get some sleep…"

"I'm still upset…" Abby looked up as she spoke those words and Ray nodded. "I know Abs.." He kissed her temple before moving away, throwing off his shirt and trousers quickly. His spot on the bed was still warm when he got back to bed. Abby was still awake, looking at him without saying anything.

Ray settled in the bed and was surprised to find Abby moving closer to him. He raised his eyebrow, questioning her without any words. "For fuck's sake, Ray" his beautiful redhead murmured, "just hold me, okay? I'll be angry with you again in the morning."

Ray did what she told him immediately, making room so Abby could lay upon his chest. He kissed her hair while stroking the bare skin on her arm. Her breaths got steadier within seconds; Ray knew she was falling asleep. It took him a long time to catch some sleep though. He wondered why his life was always such a struggle. Why couldn't he simply be happy and satisfied with all the wealth –on multiple levels,- he had?

 _Now look at me baby,  
_ _struggling to do everything right.  
_ _And then it all falls apart,  
_ _when out go the lights.  
_ _I'm just a lonely pilgrim,  
_ _I walk this world in wealth.  
_ _I want to know if it's you I don't trust,  
_ _'cause I damn sure don't trust myself._

 _Tonight our bed is cold,  
_ _lost in the darkness of our love.  
_ _God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of._


End file.
